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Frantic Fran's Joke Book for Prisoners of Body & Mind
AKA Bible Readings and Dirty Jokes

Dedicated to Ray "Spike" Stala, #290564, Rahway Prison, NJ

Not copyrighted. A "free for all" to share these jokes. I'm sure I'll hear you smile! Don't judge, just enjoy and share themt.


Jewish senior citizen goes to young doctor for internal exam. She realizes while doctor probes around into her vagina, around and around and around, as she starts to get sleepy and sez lazily:
"Sonny, does your Mudder know what kind of work you are doing?"

Spell AIR RAID backwards.
D I A R R I A

What do you call a Yeshiva Bocher who joins a Monastery?
A schmuck monk.

In NYC, a Jewish grandma takes small grandson to pee in the gutter. Watching him go she praises what she see in no uncertain terms. Oh, how gorgeous, how cute, how wonderful." Man looking out his second floor tenement apartment at the scene yells out:
"Missus, if you are such a maven why not come up here and give ME an estimate

CUSTOM-MADE CLOTHES said a sign in a window on Canal Street. NYC Jewish owner sees prospective customer dilly-dallying. Invites him into his store inquiring about a suit. "Oh, said owner, "you came into the right shop. Here, when we make a "custom-made suit you’ll be stunned at how we go about it.
First, Kodak cameras take pictures of your every muscle, which we develop; then, we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the material. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and get Japanese deep-sea divers for the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut" said surprised customer, "I’m gonna need it for a bar-mitzvah."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"…You’ll have it."

After a Hadassah meeting in NYC, Ida & Sara go for coffee.
Ida: Well Sara, how are you feeling lately?
Sara: (stretching across the table for sugar) I got a headache, a stomachache and a burring in my chest. What can I do?
Ida: Well, take an aspirin for your headache; an enema for your stomachache and for the burning on the chest, Take your titty out of the hot coffee!!

Join my Frantic Fran "Intercourse Club" No initiation dues, no fund raising, no fees. . .Just Come


Sick Joke:
Hear about the Helen Keller Doll?
You wind it up and it walks into a wall.

Sick Religious Joke
What a terrible way to spend Easter.
I don’t care who the kid is, get him out of the manger.

Sick Jokes, Kids
Mommy! Mommy! The couch is on fire!
Shut up and let daddy sleep and hurry up and get the marshmallows.

More, for kids
Mommy! Mommy! Can I play with Grandma?
O.K. but be sure to put he dirt back on the grave.

Kid, at dinner:
Mommy! Mommy! I hate my sister’s guts,
"Shut up and eat what I give you!"

all those who believe in fairies clap!

A man has three children. One boy needs $5,000 for the girl he ruined.
One boy needs $10,000 for a girl he ruined.
When his daughter was ruined, he said:
"Good, Now maybe I’ll get some of my money back!"

Jewish meat packer in Chicago wants his only son who is dull-witted to take over the business when he dies and so takes him to the slaughterhouse to show him around.
"Look son," said dad proudly pointing to some machinery, "You see this piece of American ingenuity – why you can put into it one whole OX and out some little weenies!" He looks to his son for a reaction but the son goes: "Uh, duh. . . show me a better machine where you put in a weenies and out comes an Ox!
Surprised, the dad says: "There is a machine like that, your mother."

Learn the Yiddish language so you can define "Arthritis" this way"
"oz di dup fongt un mishen und men kennisht pishen
Und di bainer fongen on knocken, un men ken misht kocken und di ayer fongen un brenen, un men ken nisht trenen. . . duss iz "arthritiss"

At the Hotel Fairmont in Lakewood, NJ where I entertained, a man in the pool was propositioning a "bimbo" in knee deep water.
Sez she, " Come, let’s go to your room, cuz everybody around here could see what you’re talking about.

Another old guys says to a woman at the bar:
"I hear you are a recent widow and I was wondering if I could take the place of your husband tonight?
Sez she: "OK, but just wait while I call up the undertaker."

Does your penis burn when you urinate in the morning?
I dunno, I never tried to light it!

Little BoPeep mislaid her sheep, they were eaten by a leopard. While what she really mean to keep, she was losing to a shepherd.

Gimme that place called Home, Sweet Home
It’s better by far than riches,
‘cause when you’re in your home sweet home
You can scratch any place that itches.

Oh give me a home where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flow free-
Where seldom is heard a discouraging word
‘cause the call girls keep calling for me

There’ one good thing about working in night clubs,
You don’t have to go to ‘em

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candlestick
Alas he didn’t clear the flame and now he’s known as Auntie Mame

I didn’t want to marry him for his money, but I didn’t know who else to get it!

Meet the Maharajah and his wife the Marijuana

Man to Dr. "My wife needs an appendix operation.
Doc: I just took out your wife’s appendix a year ago. I never heard of a second appendix?"
Man: Ever hear of a second wife?

A Christmas card sent from a democrat to his Republican friend:
"The election is over. The results are known. The will of the people is clearly shown. Let’s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, we’ll give all our leaders all the help they’ll need. So, let’s all get together and let bitterness pass, I’ll hug your elephant, and you kiss my donkey.

I wish I were a widdle egg, away up in a twee
I wish I were a widdle egg, as rotten as could be
So when a mean old man would shout and act weal wude to me
I’d smash my rotten widdle self and spatter me on he. See?

What’s an Indian without testicles called? A squaw.

The sexual urge of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks.
He’s lived for years on the desert, and tried to seduce the Sphinx. But the Sphinx’s center of pleasure lies buried deep in the Nile which accounts for the hump on the camel and the Sphinx’s inscrutable smile.

Love poem by Boris Karloff:
Your throat gleams white in the moonlight
My precious, don’t let me dangle
Just say you’ll be my Valentine
For I need someone to strangle

The forest was burned to a cinder, charred stumps seen everywhere, Guess who was attested for arson? That’s right, Smokey the Bear.

My dear friend Leftenent Khyber was sorely afflicted with gas. A native fed him a laxative herb, now you should se the Khyber Pass.


It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve gotten the stock market beat,
But the lad worthwhile, is the man who can smiles
When his sorts are too tight in the seat

The Geography of Women:
From 13 to 18 she’s likes Africa, Virgin and unexplored.
From 19 to 36 she’s like Asia, hot and exotic.
From 36 to 45, she’s like America, fully explored and free with her resources
From 46 to 56, she like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.
From 56 on, she like Australia,
Everyone knows it’s down there – but no one gives a damm!

Teacher in Tennessee: How much is 7 and 7?
Hillbilly – ten
Teacher: Well, I’ll mark you passin’ seein as how you only missed it by one.

A wonderful bird is the pelican, his mouth can hold more than his belly can,
He can take in his beak, enough food for a week
I’m darned if I know how the helican?

Doing business with you is like wearing condom.
It gives one the feeling of faith, security and safety while getting screwed.


Write to Frantic Fran: Frantic Fran Lilienfeld P.O. Box 2035, Beach Haven, NJ 08008
E.mail Frantic Fran:
franticfran85@hotmail.com